Saturday, April 24, 2010

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Troesh

I often feel like there two completely different sides of me. So different are these two sides they are almost at war. One side is the public side; the Jim Troesh you see on TV, the me that schmoozes at Hollywood parties, meets with executives, hangs with famous people like Jack Black, promotes Jim Troesh, and performs on stage. The me that goes to the store, talks on the phone, pays the bills, writes the screenplays, magazines and other things like this blog.

Then there is the quadriplegic Jim Troesh. (I was 15 in this picture) That is the part no one knows too well. The part of me that deals with muscle spasms, manages caregivers and their multitude of personalities, deals with nursing registries, doctors, medications, and intense regime of morning and nighttime care, as well as depression, anger, jealousy, envy, and everything else that goes along with being paralyzed from the shoulders down. The part of me that tries to connect with a body that I cannot feel. The part of me that thinks I should have dealt with all of this years ago.

Occasionally, these two opposing forces meet on the pages of my screenplays, and I'm able to spew out my feelings. That is when I am writing at the top of my game, writing stories that someone without my disability couldn't possibly write because I have a unique perspective. When I'm in that zone I feel that it's all been worth while. Maybe like war veterans turn screen writers must feel.

On any given day, one or the other Jim Troesh may be in charge. Most of the time, quadriplegic Jim rides in the back seat and public Jim takes care of business. Occasionally though, quadriplegic Jim takes over because things like bladder infections, muscle spasms or a unique gift God saved for quadriplegics called autonomic dysreflexia force themselves into the forefront. On days like that, I wonder about my ability to make it in this business at all.

I guess that is why I'm here. Mine is the unique blessing of having the gifts to share this feeling, these thoughts with the world. As hard as it is to say, I guess I am thankful for all the adversities I'm given, because I've also been given many blessings. It is those qualities that I share with readers of this blog, and any and all who have ever read or seen my work.

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